| Spike7ss |
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important,I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours! of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with
chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips
(washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all
after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic
eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned
from ever being placed on my head in! public again: Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon
animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take
pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they
suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F---' is illegal from
now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. -hangover immobility
is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vi! tamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now,
it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you from your biggest fan.
:bigthumbup: :bigthumbup: |
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| mr2_import |
| omg i second that lmao! |
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| quickshifter |
| briging back some baaaad memories |
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