| Spike7ss |
I got these from various other sites, some are offensive, read at your own risk ;)
what is better than winning a wheel chair race?
having legs
;)
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
:( |
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| Spike7ss |
some bad mexican ones :o
what is the best way to grease up your car?
run over a mexican.
why dont you run over a mexican when he rides infront of you on his bike?
it might be your bike.
what does a mexican family get for christmas?
whatever your missing.
:wtf: |
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| Spike7ss |
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear asks the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No." The rabbit replies.
"Good." says the bear, and he picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
:D |
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| Spike7ss |
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
_________________
:tear: |
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| Spike7ss |
This young brave goes to his father, the Chief of the tribe and asks him, "Father, how do we braves get our names"?
"We are named after the conditions you were born, my son. For instance, your uncle was named Lone Wolf because a lone wolf was crying to the moon as he was being born. Your brother was named Red Sun because of the beautiful sunset the night he was born."
"I see, I see," said the young brave. "Father, please explain my name"?
The chief looks at his son for a long time, takes a deep breath, hesitates, and slowly starts out, "Well, young Broken Rubber..." |
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| Spike7ss |
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000
yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.
The lady answers, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,
turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!" |
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| Spike7ss |
teacher was working with her seventh grade class on
"Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of
deductive reasoning skills.
"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's
round and red."
Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. "Is it a
cherry?" she inquired.
"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way
you think."
Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my
back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"
"A banana! A banana!" shouted little Freddy.
"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way
you think."
A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Little Johnny. "Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be outdone the teacher agreed.
Little Johnny swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."
The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "Johnny, that's obscene, sit down."
"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of
his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."
:unsure: |
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| Spike7ss |
a roaster says cockel doo do doo
a hooker says any cock will do
whats the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
the hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
:(
Question: Why do the hyppo's have sex under water???
Answer: How else would you get a 50 pound pussy wet!!
:wacko: |
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| Spike7ss |
A older man is sitting in his living room on a nice sunday afternoon drinking some beers and watching the game when his wife comes up behind him and cracks him with a frying pan.
The man replies, " What in gods name has gotten into you".
The wife replies, " Who is Betsy"?
So the man slowly gets up and starts telling her about how its a race horse and how she dosnt remember him going to the race track for some reason.
Right about now the wife is feeling pretty guilty for doubhting her husband so she apologizes and bakes him a cake.
A few weeks later The man is drinking his beer and watching the game when his wife just nails him with a even bigger frying pan.
After he regains conciousness his wife replies, " Your f*cking horse just phone "
:tear: |
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| Spike7ss |
Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green.
Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green.
Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it onto the green.
Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as its going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish. A bolt of lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Damnit, Dad, can't you play golf like everyone else?"
:rolleyes: |
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| Spike7ss |
A couple go to the local rodeo show and after looking around for a bit, they come across a few cages that have bulls on display.
The first bull had a sign that said "This bull mated 50 times last year" The wife turns to the husband and says "You could learn from him"
The next bull had a sign that said "This bull mated 128 times last year" The wife turns to the husband and says "Thats once every 2 days, you could really learn from him"
They come to the last cage and see a sign that says "This bull mated 365 times last year" The wife turns again and says "Wow, thats once a day. You should learn from him" The husband thought and said, "Ya, but I'm sure he didnt have sex with the same cow"
The husbands condition has been upgraded from critical to fair and he should make a full recovery.
:bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: |
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| Spike7ss |
:blink: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in grade 10. Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course.
He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% - It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
:wacko: :unsure: |
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| Spike7ss |
Blonde Jokes :o
What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
Goes home!
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.
Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
One day a blonde cut a truck driver off on the road.
They both got out of their cars and the truck driver derw a circle in the road and told the blonde to stand inside it.
Then the truck driver went over to her car and broke all the windows. Then the blonde started to giggle.
So the truck driver started ripping up all the seats in her car. Then the blonde started laughing even more.
Confused, the truck driver blew up the blondes car with some dynamite. When he turned around he saw the blonde had fallen over with laughter. Then he finally asked, "What the hell is so god damn funny" and the blonde replyed, "I stepped out of the circle three times when you weren't looking." |
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| Spike7ss |
a teacher in a one room school house was educating her classroom about sex. She told the class that women have babies, and almost immediately a little girl shot her hand up, "teacher, teacher" she said "can i have babies?"
"well, how old are you sandy?"
"I'm 13" replied the little girl
"Well yes sandy, in some countries there are girls as young as you that have babies, so i guess were you born somewhere else you would be able to" right away another little girl shot her hand up.
"teacher, teacher" she asked "can i have babies?"
"well now laurie, how old are you?"
"i'm 11" the girl beamed
"well laurie, i do know that in some countries there are even exceptions to girls as young as you that have had babies, so i suppose that even as young as you are, were you born in a different country you would be able to have babies"
then a very young blonde girl with pigtails put her hand up "teacher, teacher" she quietly asked "can i have babies?"
the teacher smilled at the tiny little girl with her hand up "well sweetheart, how old are you?"
the little girl blushed and answered her teacher "i'm 8"
"Oh no, you are way too young to have babies darling, you're body won't be ready for a while yet. No there is no way, no matter where you may have been born that you would be able to have babies"
little johnny then leaned over towards the little pig-tailed girl and said to her "see, bitch. I told you we have nothing to worry about"
:thumbsdown: |
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| bigboom |
| haha thanks for the thursday morning laugh...damn 3 hours of sleep. |
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