| notaturbotalon |
A young couple, just married was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She said "What?"
He said "Put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in the family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties."
She said, "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
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Her first paycheck
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe
that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her Mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
" My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking dry wall."
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There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent !!! |
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| 95EagleAWD |
| The little girl one was great. |
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| NightmareMX6 |
| The little girl one was funny as hell because I work at home dept:lol: |
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| TheNeonEdge |
I also thought it was funny having worked in construction.
my favourite term is : Me: "Is that door aligned?"
Worker: "Move it just a cunt hair to the right"
hah |
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| 180sxforthewin |
I like the tonto joke those are good.
The paycheck one was good too.
My favorite construction term is probably, the supervisors at my last job would use the words, "Program."
"were gonna get you on that truck program"
It always made me giggle. |
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